Spiraling

I felt like everything was moving forward, like things were going good. I thought mentally, I was getting to where I wanted/needed to be. It started as the messiness was piling up. I'll say it, it was disgusting. I felt no desire to clean, no need. Then, I felt no desire to move from my bed. Maybe grab some food if I was hungry. IF. Netflix, but mostly sleeping. A couple days I know for a fact I was only awake for about two and a half hours, the rest I was sleeping. The feelings of emptiness and loneliness flooded back to me like the old friends they were. I ignored it. I felt like it would pass and maybe I was just extra lazy because the influence from the quarantine. At one point, all I wanted was to sleep. So I did. I wasn't answering texts or phone calls, I couldn't find the willfulness to, even though I knew people would worry. I could not find the strength within my body to take a shower, or brush my teeth. I felt gross, but I knew one thing would help me feel better, sleep. Anything I was feeling, sleep could help, or so I thought. I didn't tell a soul how I was feeling and I feel as though I didn't because I was embarrassed that I was spiraling yet again. I didn't want to admit that I wasn't doing good. I kept everything inside and thought, I can get through this. I found out quickly, I couldn't. I went to run a shower, I tend to do that when I am sad. I looked in the mirror, I was ashamed as how I let myself go like this. I shook it off and told myself, hey, at least I am getting a shower and brushing my teeth. I sat down to wait for the shower to get warm, and I lost it. Completely. Tears ran from my eyes as if I hadn't cried in ten years. My body shook as if something had startled me to my core. My breaths felt as though they were being taken from me slowly, then quickly, repeating in that order. I couldn't control myself, I just had to let my body do its thing. I knew everyone was worried, and at that point, I was finally worried about myself. I called Alex and sobbed to him. I felt guilty because why should he have to deal with this. He shouldn't have to fix me. Why should anyone have to fix me. It's no ones responsibility except for mine, yet I can't find it within me to fix myself. He listened and he was strong for me. Everyone was worried about me, including me, and that is when I knew I had to express how I was feeling and maybe ask for help. Alex came to get me that day and took me to stay with my grandma. I figured it would be best to be around someone to hold me accountable for the most simple things that I couldn't seem to bring myself to do. I figured being alone wasn't in the best interest for myself at the moment. Although I would love to be in my apartment where I can really do as I please, where I feel comfortable, where my things are, and where Forrest and I call home, I had to make the choice that would help save me so I could especially be who I need to be to be able to care for myself and for Forrest. I scared everyone and I scared myself too to be honest. Nevertheless, I made the choice to help myself by coming home and getting the help that I need. I am here to tell you that it is okay not to be okay. Tell someone how you are feeling. The people in your life are there for you and will listen to you when you need to be listened to. We all go through things, sometimes more things, or harder things, and it gets to us. You can't handle everything all of the time and that is okay. Talk to someone, let it out. Spend time with family and friends. I am learning that holding it in isn't the answer. Help yourself.

XOXO, Aloha

It's okay not to be okay