Say No to Toxic
Most of us get lost in someone for so many good reasons, they comfort you, make you happy, are always there for you, and you love them. Most of the time we are blinded by some of the good qualities. This is my experience with a toxic relationship. I got lost in everything that I loved about him, I was on a high and I wasn't letting anything bring me down. He was my idea of perfect at the time. I lost myself in him, and didn't allow myself to see the bad signs. Now, I am not saying this relationship was a mistake, and I am not saying all we had were bad times because that is not true. He was so good to me majority of the time, so I excused the behavior that I should have payed ultimate attention to. About three months into our relationship is when things shifted for sure, he wanted something from me that I could not ever give him. For the sake of many things I cannot go into detail into what this was. Anyway, instead of doing this thing that he craved with every bone in his body, I lied. I am not in any way proud of what I did, but everything else in the relationship was perfect and I didn't want to ruin what good we had. I told him that I was doing this thing for him throughout the rest of our relationship, which later contributed to the end of our relationship, which was a little more than a year. What he wanted from me distorted my image of myself and gave me serious issues to deal with. Mentally, I was incapable of dealing with this, and for the longest time I did not even tell those close to me because I was embarrassed. About five months into the relationship, I was cheated on. He was away at college meanwhile I was just trying to make it through my senior year. I felt as if not only our relationship was broken, but I was broken. In a way I still haven't recovered from that because as it does with anyone, it left me with trust issues, and left me majorly self conscious. Looking back, I should have called it quits after that because our relationship never really recovered either. I struggled with my mental health on a serious level, and I kept it from him. I was struggling with myself to the highest degree. I went through a phase of not eating, barely getting out of bed unless I had to, it was a disaster. Our situation was toxic to me and it was taking its toll on me. When he cheated on me, he was extremely sorry and distraught, but later turned the tables on me saying that I just wasn't listening to him and I wasn't being there for him when he needed me, which is never an excuse for hurting someone the way that he had hurt me. We both clocked out of our relationship at different times which only made it harder for the both of us, but we later ended it knowing it was for the best. I was obviously heartbroken, but a sliver of me also felt a relief. I dealt with it in the worst ways, but I managed to be okay. A couple months into summer we reconnected and we decided to give it another try, I knew I shouldn't have given into all of the toxic things that broke me down before, but I was still blinded by my love for him. We tried for about three weeks, but knew it just wasn't right for us. I was obviously heartbroken again, but with the help of liquid courage and friends, I made it through. When I arrived at Grand Valley, I think it was surreal to him that now, I would always be close to him. He started inviting me over consistently, and the person I am, I went. Every time, knowing I shouldn't have. This was a consistent thing throughout the year, and at points, we fought like we were together, I expressed I wanted to be together knowing I was just going to be let down, and things were so messy. I can happily say that I have closed that chapter in my life, and I don't hate him. I am thankful for what we had and all of the amazing memories we shared. I can honestly say that he was my first love, but sometimes there is something more out there for us. Our relationship was good but we held a lot of toxicity in it. I know now that I should have recognized the signs and I should have not endured the toxic things that I did, but I learned. My advice to anyone in a toxic relationship, get out. There IS something MORE for you. Your mental health is one of the most important things and it should not be tampered with in any type of negative way. I get it, you love them, youre scared, youre going to miss them and the relationship, but you can do it. You will feel sad and you'll have your moments where you swear you'll never be happy with anyone again, but it will happen when you least expect it, believe me, I know from experience. I believe in you, and you can be stronger than the toxicity.
XOXO aloha
Comments