Lonely

You know when you're in a room full of people, but you feel as if you may as well be in a room by yourself. I hate how often I feel this. I hate how my emotions are so up and down. I wish I could change it, be more consistent. Will I ever be able to? I wish depression and anxiety weren't a thing. I feel like my anxiety and depression defeat me in so many aspects. Why? Why does my brain let that happen? I let the dumbest things get to me at the worst times and I wish I could stop it. Literally sitting with some of my best friends, I want to burst into tears. I am fighting it. I'm embarrassed. I want so badly to just let it out, but I don't want to feel weak. Why cant I just be happy in the moment with the people that bring me happiness? I feel like I am being as asshole which in reality, I am, but the part of me that feels bad and wants to apologize is also tired of apologizing. What do I do? I feel sad, yet I can't put my finger on what exactly is going on in my brain. I feel horrible especially around new people because I know I am not like this all of the time. I want to be alone, but I don't. I think its safe to say that I am clearly the most indecisive person in the world. So I think the moral of my sob story is that I am sad and I wish I wasn't. I can get through it though, right?

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