Cheater

Sadly, so many people have experiences with cheating. I am sad to say that I have been through it. I wanted to post about this because many people don't understand that it's not something you should ever put up with. In a way, it's kind of hypocritical for me to even say, because I put up with it. I am a person that will give endless chances to those who have wronged me, and most times, I wish I could change that about myself. My experience with cheating dragged me through depression, anxiety, and tore me down to my core. Cheating is something I would never wish upon my worst enemy. I am a sensitive and very emotional person, so even when I don't want to, I take a lot of things to heart. When my ex told me what he had done, I wasn't filled with anger like I always thought I would be if I ever got cheated on. I just felt a sense of emptiness. At first I didn't want the details, I just wanted quiet. I had no words to say to him as my heart sank. Tears ran down my face as my stomach was turning. When you love and put all of your trust into someone, you have full confidence that they could never do that to you. I felt as if I had been let down, and I had. When I got home, I went in my room, shut the light off and went to sleep. I did not want to believe it let alone deal with that situation. I woke up and it hit me. I had countless missed calls and voicemails, him just pouring his heart out and explaining to me that he was sorry and that he would do anything if it meant I would stay. I didn't hate him and I didn't want to yell. It was such a strange feeling. I called him back with a broken heart and a calm voice. When he answered I found myself speechless, I didn't know what I was supposed to say. I just asked him why. What makes me upset, even today, is that I was more worried about our relationship ending than I was him cheating on me. I forgave him that very night. I know now that I didn't give myself the time to heal, and I should not have forgiven him as quick as I did. The worst part is that he turned the tables. He said that I wasn't listening and paying enough attention to him, and what did I do? I apologized. I realized later on that our relationship really ended right there. We tried to make things work, and we did for awhile. I never healed like I thought I did. I went through a phase where I wouldn't eat, I would sleep all the time, and I closed myself off from the world. Sadly, I still struggle because of this experience. I have a hard time letting my guard down and I have a hard time trusting people. I know now more than I did then. I know that it is okay if you trust your judgment enough to give someone a second chance, but you have to give yourself time to heal. I know now that it was not my fault, and honestly, he lucked out when I stayed. I went through so much hurt for someone that was okay with being with someone else when things got hard. When he felt neglected, he didn't want to communicate with me, instead he went elsewhere. That is unacceptable. For anyone going through this, if you trust your judgement enough, then nobody should judge you for giving a second chance, but I encourage you not to rush it. Heal. If you don't trust your judgment, walk away because it is not worth waking up with the same person who tore you down. You are worth so much more and you deserve the world. Find someone who will never let you forget that.

XOXO, Aloha